Dearest newest leader of North Korea,
Do not bomb Guam or Austin. That is a stupid-a$$ idea.
Do you see these? These are our best bombs and missiles. See how sleek and small they are? They may be tiny, but their undetectable selves and their families aren't afriad to ruin you.
Ever heard of a stealth bomber? Stealth is the key word there. You will not see it coming, cuz 'Mercia isn't gonna let you screw up our plans to keep the world NOT in pieces.
Listen dog, just cuz you told your people that you bombed New York, doesn't give you permission to actually do it. Just because you didn't get tickets to South By Southwest in Texas, doesn't mean you are allowed to target Austin.
Cuz dammit, those are some fine Americans down there in Austin. Plus, their fried food is fricking delicious, and how would we go on living without their hilarious incorrect political standpoints and backwards politics?
MOSTLY, if you piss of Texas, they're gonna go all mad cow. And you'll be the cowboy, seen here:
Mr. Jong... Mr. Kim... Mr. Un... whatever it is that you go by... you suck. You're all talk. And 'Merica is laughing at your tiny self. Sound I offensive? I hope I do. Go ahead, bomb Texas.
Bomb Guam, but if you do, please refer to the following SLIGHTLY NSFW meme:
Then, proceed to kiss your tiny feet goodbye.
Peace Out. Love,
Content provided by Jenny Haining, American University 2013